“My Child Hates Me Because I Cheated”: Steps to Rebuild Trust & Heal
Few experiences are more painful than watching your child’s love turn to hatred, especially when you know you’ve caused it. If you’re searching for answers because your child has discovered your infidelity and now refuses to speak to you, looks at you with contempt, or has explicitly said they hate you, you’re likely experiencing a unique combination of shame, guilt, grief, and desperate hope for reconciliation. This article is written with compassion for the extremely difficult position you’re in while acknowledging the legitimate pain your child is experiencing.
The relationship between parent and child is foundational, and when a child learns that their parent has been unfaithful to the other parent, it can shatter their sense of security, trust, and even their understanding of who you are as a person. The path forward requires immense patience, genuine accountability, and the willingness to let your child process their feelings on their timeline, not yours. While there are no guarantees, there are proven approaches that can help you begin repairing this damaged relationship.
Understanding Why Your Child Hates You After Your Affair
Before you can effectively work toward healing, it’s essential to understand what your child is actually experiencing when they say they hate you because you cheated. This understanding will help you respond with empathy rather than defensiveness, which is crucial for any chance at reconciliation.
Their Entire Foundation Has Been Shaken
Children, regardless of age, rely on their parents to provide security, consistency, and a model for how the world works. When a child discovers that a parent has been unfaithful, it’s not just about the cheating itself. It represents a fundamental betrayal of the family structure they depended on. Their home, which should have been their safest place, was built on a lie they didn’t know existed.
For children who witnessed an apparently happy marriage, learning about infidelity can be particularly destabilizing because it means their perception of reality was wrong. If they couldn’t trust what seemed obvious about their own family, what can they trust? This existential uncertainty fuels intense anger and feelings of betrayal.
You’ve Hurt Someone They Love
Even in cases where the marriage had problems or where the betrayed spouse also made mistakes, children typically experience your infidelity primarily as harm done to their other parent. They’ve watched that parent suffer, cry, or fall apart, and they hold you responsible for that pain. This is especially true if they have a close relationship with the betrayed parent or if that parent confided in them (appropriately or inappropriately) about the affair.
Your child’s hatred may be protective anger on behalf of their hurt parent. They feel loyalty to the betrayed parent and may believe that maintaining anger toward you demonstrates that loyalty. Understanding this dynamic doesn’t minimize your child’s pain, but it does help explain why their reaction might be so intense.
They’re Questioning Everything They Knew About You
Before the affair was revealed, your child had a particular image of who you are. Perhaps they saw you as trustworthy, moral, loving, or devoted to family. The infidelity has forced them to radically revise their understanding of your character, and that revision is painful and disorienting.
When your child says they hate you because you cheated, they may be processing the grief of losing the parent they thought they had. They’re mourning the version of you they believed in, and that loss feels like a death. The person they see now, someone capable of deception and betrayal, is almost a stranger, and they’re angry at both what you did and the fact that you’re not who they thought you were.
Age-Specific Reactions to Parental Infidelity
Understanding how your child’s developmental stage affects their reaction can help you respond more appropriately to their needs.
Young children (under 10): May not fully understand infidelity but sense family tension and feel confused, insecure, or blame themselves. They might cling to the betrayed parent or act out behaviorally rather than expressing hatred verbally. Their reactions are often about fear of family dissolution rather than moral judgment.
Preteens and teenagers (10-17): Often have the most intense and vocal reactions. They understand infidelity morally and may be absolute in their thinking (black and white, right and wrong). They may express hatred directly, withdraw completely, or become hostile. Adolescents are also navigating their own identity formation and may feel your actions reflect badly on them or contradict values you’ve taught them.
Adult children (18+): May intellectually understand that marriages are complex, but still experience deep betrayal and anger. They might question their own romantic relationships, feel burdened by knowing information they didn’t want to know, or struggle with choosing sides. Adult children may express hatred by cutting off contact entirely or making their disapproval clear through limited, cold interactions.
What NOT to Do When Your Child Hates You for Cheating
In your desperation to fix the relationship, you might be tempted to take certain actions that, while understandable, will actually make things worse. Avoiding these common mistakes is crucial.
Don’t Minimize, Justify, or Defend Your Actions
Avoid saying things like:
- “Your mom/dad wasn’t meeting my needs”
- “The marriage was already over”
- “It didn’t mean anything”
- You don’t understand how complicated adult relationships are
- “I’m only human; everyone makes mistakes”
- “This is between me and your mom/dad, not you”
Even if some of these statements contain elements of truth, your child doesn’t need to hear them right now, and hearing them will only increase their anger. Your child isn’t interested in understanding your reasoning or the marital context. They’re dealing with their own pain and betrayal. Any attempt to justify your actions will sound like you’re not truly sorry or that you don’t understand the impact of what you’ve done.
The statement “this is between me and your parent” is particularly damaging because it invalidates your child’s legitimate feelings of betrayal. Your infidelity affected the entire family system, including your child, and they have every right to their feelings about it.
Don’t Rush Their Process or Demand Forgiveness
You’re likely desperate for your child’s forgiveness and eager to return to normal as quickly as possible. This urgency is understandable but counterproductive. Saying things like “How long are you going to punish me?” or “I’ve apologized; when will you forgive me?” or “It’s been months; you need to move on” will only prove to your child that you care more about your own comfort than their healing.
Healing from betrayal happens on the injured party’s timeline, not the timeline of the person who caused the injury. Your child will forgive you if and when they’re ready, and that process cannot be rushed without causing additional harm.
Don’t Badmouth Their Other Parent or Make Them Choose Sides
Even if your spouse is handling the situation poorly, even if they’re turning your child against you, even if they violated agreements about how to tell the children, do not speak negatively about them to your child. Do not compete for your child’s loyalty or affection. Do not share adult details about the marriage or affair that your child doesn’t need to know.
When you badmouth your child’s other parent, you put them in an impossible position and increase their stress. They need to be able to love and maintain relationships with both parents without feeling disloyal. Respect that need, even when it feels unfair.
Don’t Involve Your Child in Your Relationship Drama
Your child should not be your confidant about the affair, your therapist, your messenger to your spouse, or your ally against your spouse. They should not know details about the affair partner, the state of your marriage negotiations, or your emotional struggles with what’s happening. Burdening them with adult information or using them as emotional support reverses the parent-child relationship in harmful ways.
This can be especially challenging if your child asks direct questions. While honesty is generally important, you can be honest about your actions without sharing inappropriate details. “Yes, I made a serious mistake that hurt our family, and I understand why you’re angry” is honest without being overly detailed.
Don’t Give Up or Withdraw Completely
When your child expresses hatred or refuses contact, it’s tempting to think “They’re better off without me” and withdraw. While you should respect boundaries your child sets, completely disappearing from their life is abandonment, which compounds the original betrayal. Your child needs to know that despite their anger and rejection, you’re not going anywhere. You’ll be there whenever they’re ready, even if that takes years.
Steps to Begin Rebuilding Trust With Your Child
Rebuilding trust after your child has discovered your infidelity is a long, difficult process with no guaranteed outcome. However, these steps offer the best chance at eventual reconciliation and healing.
Step 1: Offer a Genuine, Complete Apology
A genuine apology includes:
- Acknowledgment of specifically what you did wrong
- Recognition of how it affected your child
- Expression of genuine remorse without excuses
- Commitment to doing better
- No expectation of immediate forgiveness
Here’s what an effective apology might sound like: “I know you’re extremely angry with me right now, and you have every right to be. What I did was wrong. I betrayed your mom/dad, I lied to our family, and I hurt you deeply. I can see how much pain this has caused you, and I’m truly sorry. You didn’t deserve this. I understand if you can’t forgive me right now or for a long time. I just want you to know that I take full responsibility for my actions, I’m not trying to make excuses, and I love you. I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk, even if that’s not for a while.”
This apology doesn’t defend, explain, or minimize. It simply acknowledges harm and expresses remorse. You may need to apologize multiple times over months or years as your child processes different layers of their feelings.
Step 2: Respect Their Boundaries While Maintaining Consistent Presence
If your child says they don’t want to see you or talk to you, respect that boundary while making it clear you’ll be available when they change their mind. This is a delicate balance. You’re not forcing contact, but you’re also not disappearing.
Practical ways to maintain presence while respecting boundaries include sending occasional brief messages that don’t demand response (“Thinking of you. I love you. I’m here when you’re ready”), showing up to important events they’re comfortable with you attending, continuing any financial support obligations, and staying in communication with their other parent about their wellbeing.
The key is demonstrating through your actions that their rejection doesn’t change your commitment to them as a parent. You’re not going anywhere, but you’re also not forcing them into interaction before they’re ready.
Step 3: Demonstrate Changed Behavior Consistently Over Time
Words are important, but your actions over the coming months and years will determine whether your child can trust you again. What does changed behavior look like in practical terms?
Ways to demonstrate change:
- Complete transparency about your whereabouts and relationships
- Ending the affair relationship completely and verifiably
- Attending individual therapy to address why you made this choice
- Following through on every commitment you make, no matter how small
- Being honest even when it’s uncomfortable
- Treating their other parent with respect
- Taking responsibility in conversations without deflecting
Your child is watching to see if this was a one-time terrible mistake or if it reveals a pattern of deception and selfishness. Consistent, honest behavior over time is the only way to begin rebuilding their trust. This might mean being an open book in ways that feel uncomfortable, but that transparency is necessary given that you’ve proven yourself capable of extended deception.
Step 4: Validate Their Feelings Without Making It About You
When your child expresses anger, hatred, or pain, your job is to listen and validate without becoming defensive or making their feelings about your discomfort. This is incredibly difficult when the accusations are harsh and the anger is intense, but it’s essential.
When your child says “I hate you,” try responding with: “I understand why you feel that way. What I did was terrible and it hurt you deeply. You have every right to be angry with me.” Not: “That’s a horrible thing to say to your parent” or “I hate hearing you say that” or “You don’t really mean that.”
Validation doesn’t mean you enjoy hearing harsh things or that you don’t have feelings. It means you’re prioritizing your child’s emotional experience over your own discomfort in this moment. You can process your own hurt about their rejection in therapy or with other adults, but when you’re with your child, the focus should be on their healing, not your pain about their reaction.
Step 5: Give Them Control Where Possible
Your infidelity took control away from your child. They didn’t choose for this to happen, weren’t consulted about family decisions, and had their life turned upside down by your choices. Wherever possible, give them age-appropriate control over aspects of your relationship.
This might look like letting them decide when they’re ready to talk, allowing them to set the terms of your interactions, asking what they need from you rather than assuming, or letting them determine the pace of reconciliation. Obviously, this has limits based on their age and circumstances, but the general principle of respecting their agency helps them feel less powerless.
Step 6: Seek Professional Help for Yourself and Offer It to Your Child
Individual therapy for you is essential, both to address whatever led to your infidelity and to help you navigate this painful period with your child. A good therapist can help you manage your guilt, develop better coping strategies, and learn to be the parent your child needs right now.
Offering to pay for therapy for your child (without pressuring them to go) gives them a safe space to process their feelings with someone who isn’t involved in the family drama. Some children will jump at this opportunity; others will refuse. If they refuse, let them know the offer stands whenever they change their mind.
Family therapy can be valuable but only when your child is ready. Don’t push for it prematurely. When the time is right, a skilled family therapist can facilitate difficult conversations and help you all develop healthier communication patterns.
Understanding the Timeline: How Long Until They Don’t Hate You Anymore?
One of the hardest aspects of this situation is the uncertainty about when, or even if, your relationship with your child will heal. There’s no standard timeline, as every child and situation is different.
Initial acute phase (0-6 months): Your child’s anger is likely at its peak. They may refuse all contact, say extremely hurtful things, or alternate between hostility and cold withdrawal. This is the crisis phase where emotions are raw and intense. Your job during this time is primarily to absorb their anger without retaliating, maintain respectful boundaries, and demonstrate through actions that you’re committed to change.
Processing phase (6 months – 2 years): If you’ve been consistent in your changed behavior and respectful of boundaries, you may begin to see small shifts. Your child might accept occasional contact, ask questions about what happened, or have moments of connection followed by renewed anger. This phase is characterized by two steps forward, one step back. Progress isn’t linear, and setbacks are normal.
Tentative reconnection (2-5 years): Many parent-child relationships begin to rebuild in meaningful ways during this timeframe, though the relationship will likely never return to what it was before. Your child may move toward cautious trust, more regular contact, and genuine conversations. However, they may also maintain certain boundaries indefinitely or bring up the affair during conflicts.
Long-term integration (5+ years): Years down the line, many families have integrated the affair into their family history in a way that’s painful but no longer actively destructive. Your child may have forgiven you without forgetting, maintaining a relationship that’s different than before but still valuable. Some children never fully forgive, but find ways to have limited relationships with the cheating parent for practical or familial reasons.
It’s crucial to understand that these timelines are general patterns, not guarantees. Some relationships heal faster; some never heal. Some children who seem to forgive quickly are actually suppressing feelings that will emerge later. The only thing you can control is your own consistent, changed behavior over time.
Special Considerations and Complicated Situations
When the Affair Led to Divorce
If your infidelity resulted in divorce, your child is dealing with multiple traumatic changes simultaneously: the betrayal of the affair, the dissolution of their family structure, possibly moving between homes, and watching both parents struggle. Their hatred may be more intense and longer-lasting because they can tangibly see how your actions changed their daily life.
In divorce situations, co-parenting dynamics become critical. Even if your relationship with your ex-spouse is contentious, maintaining civility for your child’s sake is essential. Your child shouldn’t be a messenger or mediator, shouldn’t hear negative things about either parent, and shouldn’t feel they have to choose between you.
When Your Child Learned About the Affair in a Traumatic Way
How your child discovered the affair significantly impacts their reaction. If they walked in on something, read explicit messages, or heard details they shouldn’t have been exposed to, they may have additional trauma beyond the basic betrayal. They might have intrusive images or thoughts that make their hatred more intense and harder to process.
In these situations, professional trauma therapy for your child is especially important. These discoveries can have lasting psychological effects that require specialized help to process.
When the Other Parent Is Making Things Harder
Sometimes the betrayed spouse, in their own pain, contributes to the child’s hatred by sharing inappropriate details, making negative comments about you, or explicitly or implicitly encouraging the child to reject you. This is incredibly frustrating and painful, but responding by attacking your ex or defending yourself to your child will only make things worse.
If possible, communicate directly with your ex (through a mediator, therapist, or attorney if necessary) about maintaining appropriate boundaries regarding what’s shared with children. Document any concerning behavior but avoid putting your child in the middle of parental conflict. In extreme cases where the other parent’s behavior is genuinely damaging, family court intervention may be necessary, but this should be a last resort.
When You’ve Remarried or Are with the Affair Partner
If you’ve left your marriage for the person you had an affair with, or if you’ve remarried, your child faces the ongoing reality of seeing you with the person who represents the destruction of their family. This can make forgiveness exponentially more difficult because your relationship with this person is a constant reminder of the betrayal.
In this situation, expect reconciliation to take significantly longer. Don’t force your child to have a relationship with your new partner, even if you’ve been together for years. They may never accept this person, and pushing the issue will damage your relationship with your child further. Your child’s relationship is with you, and that needs to be repaired before any relationship with your partner can even be considered.
When Your Child Is an Adult
Adult children face unique challenges when discovering a parent’s infidelity. They’re old enough to fully understand the moral implications but may feel powerless to do anything about the situation. They might struggle with whether to maintain relationships with both parents, how to handle family gatherings, whether to tell their own children, and how your actions affect their view of relationships and marriage.
Adult children also have the option to completely cut contact, and some do. If your adult child has cut you off because you cheated, respect their boundary while making it clear you’re available if they change their mind. Send occasional brief messages expressing love without demanding response. Reach out on birthdays or holidays with simple “thinking of you” messages. Attend family events you’re still invited to. Show up consistently without being intrusive.
Adult children may soften over time, especially as they face their own relationship challenges and develop more nuanced understanding of human complexity. However, they may also maintain permanent distance, and you must accept that possibility while still leaving the door open.
The hardest truth about this situation is that you may do everything right—apologize genuinely, change your behavior completely, respect boundaries, give it time—and your child may still never forgive you. You cannot control their response, only your own actions. This uncertainty is part of the consequence of your choices. Learning to live with that uncertainty while continuing to be the best parent you can be is part of your healing work.
Taking Care of Yourself While Your Child Hates You
While your primary focus should be on your child’s healing and your own behavioral changes, you also need to manage the intense emotional pain of having your child hate you. This doesn’t mean wallowing in self-pity or expecting sympathy from your child, but it does mean developing healthy coping mechanisms.
Manage Guilt Without Letting It Paralyze You
Guilt is appropriate and necessary—it’s a sign of conscience and can motivate positive change. However, excessive guilt that prevents you from functioning or leads to depression doesn’t help anyone. Your child doesn’t benefit from having a parent who’s completely consumed by shame and unable to be present.
Work with a therapist to process guilt in healthy ways. Make amends where possible. Change your behavior. Forgive yourself incrementally while accepting that your child may not forgive you on your timeline or at all. Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean what you did was okay; it means accepting that you’re human, you made a terrible mistake, and you’re committed to being different going forward.
Build a Support System Outside Your Family
You need people to talk to who aren’t your children or your spouse. This might include a therapist, a support group for people who’ve had affairs, trusted friends who can listen without judging, or a faith community if you’re religious. Don’t isolate yourself in your shame, but also be discerning about who you confide in and don’t use others as a way to avoid accountability.
Focus on What You Can Control
You cannot control your child’s feelings, their timeline for healing, or whether they’ll ultimately forgive you. You can control your behavior, your honesty, your respect for boundaries, your consistency, and your commitment to change. Focus your energy on those controllable factors rather than obsessing over outcomes you cannot determine.
Moving Forward: Hope and Realistic Expectations
If your child hates you because you cheated, you’re living through one of the most painful consequences of infidelity. The good news is that many parent-child relationships do heal from this, though they’re rarely the same as they were before. Healing is possible, but it requires genuine change, immense patience, consistent effort over years, and acceptance that your child’s feelings are valid even when they’re painful for you to hear.
Your child’s hatred right now doesn’t necessarily represent their permanent feelings. People change, perspectives shift, and with time and genuine amends, many children come to a place where they can maintain relationships with imperfect parents. However, this isn’t guaranteed, and some relationships never fully recover.
What you’re being asked to do is extraordinarily difficult: absorb anger and rejection from someone you love deeply, maintain boundaries while staying present, change your behavior fundamentally, be patient for years with no guarantee of reconciliation, and accept that you’ve caused this situation through your own choices. This requires humility, strength, and sustained commitment.
The path forward starts with a genuine apology, continues with changed behavior over time, includes respect for your child’s boundaries and feelings, and requires maintaining hope without demanding outcomes. It means being the parent your child needs right now even when they’re pushing you away, because that’s what parents do—they show up even when it’s hard.
Your relationship with your child will never be exactly what it was before they knew about your infidelity. That innocence is gone, and mourning that loss is part of your work. But a different relationship, one built on honesty, accountability, and hard-won trust, is possible. Many parents and children build these new relationships after infidelity, creating connections that are perhaps less idealized but more real and honest.
You made a choice that hurt your child profoundly. You cannot undo that choice, but you can make better choices every day going forward. Start today. Apologize sincerely. Respect their feelings and boundaries. Change your behavior. Show up consistently. Be patient. Seek help. And trust that time, combined with genuine change on your part, gives your relationship the best possible chance at healing.
Your child may always carry some hurt from what happened. The goal isn’t to erase that hurt or return to exactly what you had before, but to build something new that acknowledges the past while moving forward. That’s the best possible outcome when your child hates you because you cheated, and it’s worth working toward even when the path is long and uncertain.
